No really, it's all a load of shit in typed form.
" You might get sick of shit but shit will never get sick of you. "
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No Rest for the Benovelent
Have you ever laid back in your bed, stared at the ceiling and said to yourself, ” Fuck this. Fuck everything. It ain’t worth nothing if this is all that it brings me. ” ?
Sometimes the most horrible things happen to the best people we know. There are those days, you know, when all you did for someone was with the best of intentions and that very same beneficiary turns around and rewards you with baffling ingratitude if you’re lucky.
Kindness does not beget goodwill, on the contrary, it oft reaps the exact opposite.
A helping hand gets hacked off by a fire axe, offering a ride to a hitchhiker stranded on the side of the road ends up with you waking up in a ditch with a nasty bump on the back of your head; missing your wallet and possibly a kidney if you aren’t already cold to the touch.
Logically speaking, if extraterrestrials or the Mothman or contact with some dangerously unstable radioactive isotope wiped my mind clean of the mechanics of this world; gave me a choice between altruism and selfishness and some examples our fine society has to offer; I’d say ” Fuck that. I’m not that much of a fuckwit to put myself out there for that poor sod. ” and run in the other direction as fast as I bloody well can.
The world has never given anyone a reason to be a good samaritan.
And it shouldn’t.
Goodness and decency should be punished. What sort of world would it be if good acts were rewarded? Imagine if you spent an hour at the hospital cheering up a lonely dying patient, and then got your promotion? You give five dollars for famine victims and then you win five thousand on the lottery? Kindness would be a career move, generosity selfishness.
Goodness should be loved for itself, and perhaps the tribulations of the righteous are the proof of a just God. Goodness should cost. Goodness should hurt.
Although, personally, I’d prefer a universe where five bucks gets you five thousand and where the lonely and dying would have a throng of well-wishers.
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Letters to You.
Dear Aunty Wendy,
I’m really sorry that such a horrible fate could befall such a wonderful person like yourself. You loved to give and you sure as hell ( pardon my language ) did, you gave up the comforts of the first world and travelled all the way to Cambodia to enrich the lives of the children living there.
I don’t know why someone would commit such an atrocity on your good person, wasn’t taking your belongings enough? Did they have to take you away from us? When my mother told me what had happened last Wednesday, I couldn’t think when she showed me the newspaper article that described your fate.
I was insulted that the Straits Times only devoted a little article to the misfortune that had happened to you. But I guess it’s a lot easier to play things down when it hasn’t happened to someone you know huh?
I remember the time when I was eight years old and I gave you a hard smack on your rear end when you were bending over to pick up something in church. I definitely do remember the tongue lashing you gave to my mischievous self afterward. You were always a stern woman towards me but I learnt many things about being a better person and I’m sorry to say that I wasn’t able to retain most of what you tried to teach me but I’d like to think that I’ve got the gist of it.
You know sometimes I wonder that why do people like yourself and my daddy and the others in church try to help these people when all they do is to bite the hands that feed. But then again I was never a fraction the loving, kind and selfless people like yourselves to even understand.
I didn’t leave any words on your public memorial because I felt it would cheapen everything I had to say to you. I don’t think it’s necessary to let the whole world know and nobody reads my space here anyways so I thought that it would be private enough. A lot of people think I don’t care but I’ve never cared about what they think. I’ve always preferred to keep my demons personal and I’m sure they like it that way too. I really do hope they have a good internet connection in heaven though.
I’ve had people I loved taken away from me by Mother Misfortune but I’ve never had anyone I knew murdered in cold blood ( except that one guy but he was a right proper scumbag like me ) and you never did do anything to deserve it.
So just be safe and happy up there. I probably won’t be able to see you when it’s my turn because I’m pretty sure that I won’t be allowed entry to where you are with all the deeds I’ve done. ( Although I might be able to catch a glimpse from below pretty soon, given the life I’m currently living lol ) Send my love to my gran if you do happen to bump into her since you’re all jolly old friends in that district of the beyond ha, ha.
Well, I’m gonna go now. Thanks for listening. Be safe.
The Cheeky Little Kid in Sunday School,
Jonan.
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Guys talk
” She’s wide open, she’s been signalling you all night. Dude what the fuck are you doing? Just go for it, she looks drunk as fuck. What are you waiting for? “
Well my dear friends, I am waiting for basic human decency and perhaps a slight sense of chivalry to reenter this world.
This simple object of plastic and glass has dispelled, night terrors and tears and heartbreak and self doubt. This is a tribute to my night light that has served me faithfully throughout my youth.
Human Resistance
In all my twenty two years of living, I’ve wandered within many circles of people, been in places so extremely different that it would seem like sacrilege if I stepped into one after the other.
I’ve ” appreciated ” wine and smoked cigars with lawyers and bankers, I’ve butted heads ( and subsequently learnt considerably more ) with philosophy majors, indulged in bacchanalian revelry with ravers and discussed street warfare with several individuals one might describe as ’ really hard bastards. ‘
I’ve sat through service with Christian zealots ( my own parents being a pair of them ), bid at Seventh Month auctions, worked in social welfare and negotiated with purveyors of certain mind - altering chemicals.
And through it all, one thing has always fascinated me: how people can be of the same species and yet so diverse altogether. In many creation legends and myths, man is always created from dust or clay, if you will. I think that subconsciously we have always known that man isn’t a creature who is born die - cast but is one to be molded.
I look across the table, watch the cigarette smoke waft out of the nostrils of a man who has been just released from prison after seven years for nearly disembowelling another human being and wonder how he can share the same genetic structure as the chirpy young fellow who was wheeling elderly folk around a home while murmuring comforting reassurance as if they were his own grandparents.
Other animals in general do not behave out of the norm and even if they do, it is often attributed to a genetic error, a glitch in nature. And look at us, we who are supposedly the peak of evolution might actually be the most flawed creatures on our beloved planet which might explain our inconsistent and erratic behaviour.
Buggy errors of nature or not, we all seem to be brought into this world a blank slate, vulnerable to the slightest influence we come into contact with and that makes me worry about the children of tomorrow ( wow I sound like Bono ), my children. ( if I ever manage to find a nice young woman who would want my babies sigh. )
I’m no saint but from what I see in our wicked world, things look pretty grim, people are getting colder, consciences are getting softer and apathy is rising for succession of the throne.
Some people say that it’s natural for this to happen, that it’s essential for survival but I don’t subscribe to that bullshit. If I have to lose my heart in order to live then I don’t think that’s living at all.
I have seen some people who are supposed to be beacons of moral virtue do some things that contradict what they espouse and people say, ’ that’s just human nature, you can’t change it no matter how hard you try. ‘
But I’ve seen some really bad people display unexpected kindness and goodwill too, especially when they think no one is watching and I think to myself, maybe trying is better than accepting what we are after all.
When I have kids, I’ll do my best to raise them to be able to feel in an unfeeling world, to perhaps bring back some of the humanity that has been so undervalued in our society. ( of course they won’t be gullible fuckwits, their daddy is one streetwise motherfucker. ) I’ll make sure they’ll teach their children so that their children will teach their own children.
And maybe when I’m dead and long gone, when my bones have turned to dust under the ground ( unless I opt for cremation, in the event of, I will be ashes in an urn on a lovely mantelpiece above a warm jaunty fireplace ) and the epitaph on my tombstone is weathered, this bleak world will be a brighter place.
Maybe just a little, but it will be a brighter place.
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Quantam ( Pseudo ) Physics
You know sometimes I think that love is like creating antimatter and that life is one gargantuan Super Hadron Collider ( or to be annoyingly precise, an LHC ).
We people just revolve among our own social circles and on occasion intersect with the ones of others till we crash into someone we react with, our common interests and chemistry creating positrons and antiquarks that bind together which leads to a union between two parties that is majestically wondrous and potentially terribly cataclysmic at the same time.
Okay, I think I just equated (a pound of, if you get what I mean ) marriage to something that has the destructive force of 19.5 megatons.
Damn, I’m starting to think that I might remain single for the rest of my life.
And no, I did not learn this off Big Bang Theory ( the show ), although it is part of The Big Bang Theory haha.
Mother of Pearl
Well I’ve been out all night ( again? ), party time wasting, it’s too much fun. Then I step back thinking of life’s inner meaning and my latest fling. It’s the same old story, all of the glory; it’s a pantomime.
So the new year has come and passed, the fireworks have all burnt out and every one of our well wishes have worn out their welcome. I spent my New Year’s with my closest and dearest friends but somehow I just felt alone among the crowd of people and revelry.
As the clock heralded the coming of the new year, congratulations were exchanged all around and couples exchanged kisses and near silent whispers of love; and among it all, I just felt displaced, like a man out of time. It wasn’t something as simple as jealousy, something more sublime, like a sense of disconnect in my marrow; I felt like a stranger among the people that I had have known for years.
Perhaps it was the fact that the New Years and Christmases had used to be magical, not just an excuse to get pissed - faced with my mates ( although I do enjoy it very much thank you kindly ), I remember opening presents with my siblings, I remember counting down to the next year with my church members and neighbours, I remember exchanging gifts and having warming dinners with my girlfriends, but all of that seem so distant now.
In short, those were days that had meant so much more and real than they do today.
But I suddenly realised how lucky I was to be able to spend my evening with the people I cared about the most and just being able to watch them be happy with one another was a gift in itself.
And as the clock struck twelve, boys and girls locked each other into a whirlwind of tight embraces and affectionate pecks on the lips and I stared down into the ice that was slowly melting into my glass and gave a wry smile; I never noticed how all that was enough, even during the times when I had so much more.
Cause if you’re looking for love in a looking - glass world, it’s pretty hard to find, I thought as I took another swig of whiskey from my snifter.
I’ve been looking for something that I’ve always wanted but was never mine.
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Perspectives
Greetings to one and all, it’s been a pretty long time since I’ve blogged due to the lack of a muse ( oh yes very pretentious muse and all, any takers? ) but here I am back again and ready to unleash hellfire, brimstone and irrelevant nonsense on you unsuspecting masses. ( don’t take the term to heart I didn’t have anything better )
I was having one of those weird moments today during the bus ride on the way to library ( to return a long overdue book not because I was gonna study or anything. Actually I’m not currently enrolled in any school and am awaiting my further academic pursuits which explains why I’m not studying oh whatever fuck you. ) and I started thinking about a pretty sensitive/ controversial topic: religion. ( okay I know most of you were thinking of the inclusion of Justin Bieber in Far East Movement’s latest hit Live My Life but that’s another story. )
Religion is one of those touchy subjects along with politics and the size of your phallus that causes arguments, drunken fistfights and wars when it is actually supposed to be a guideline for man to attain the state of ’ perfection ’ or a higher form of existence. ( Which I personally feel is the continuous imbibing of high quality cognac )
The moment I was conceived into the world as a fat, screaming, red - faced bundle of joy ( yes this is subjective ) I was baptised into a strong Christian family. As so you might be able to imagine ( or maybe not if you are majoring in some cold subject like electrical engineering, yes I joke asshole. ), I was indoctrinated since the tender age of when I was able to speak ( which was six months coherent communication not bullshit uh huh motherfucker ) into Christianity. Predictably, I grew up all my life learning that every other religion was a load of codswallop and that Jesus loved every one in the world except those people who believed anything different from what I was thought.
Now I’m no Marilyn Manson ( and I do respect the man not because of his shockcore tactics but because of his intelligence he has displayed in his autobiography The Long Road out of Hell ) and I’m not making a mockery of everything I was taught in church, I learnt many things that should have made me a better person than I am today. I learnt how to forgive, how to share, how to love, how not to judge and how to have mercy on top of others. But as I grew older and wiser ( some might debate ), I saw things within my church that contradicted the very own teachings that they were espousing.
I was an extremely pious lad during primary school, it was during secondary school that my descent into darkness began and ironically, it was the period of time that I started to see, not with Christian - tinted lenses, but with the glasses of humankind.
I was taught not to judge and yet when a fellow member slipped, I judged; along with many others. I could feel the disapproving gazes myself when I started to become more secular. Along with many other cases of disillusionment, I turned to other holy scriptures and texts to find answers. I dabbled in the Buddhist sutras, the texts of the Qur’an, the more esoteric forms such as the Kabbalah and Zoroastrianism and philosophers Nietzsche ( yes you saw this coming ), Machiavelli, etc. but still, I found nothing that could quell the unrest in my heart.
For example Buddhism advocates the virtue of non - violence, that taking even the smallest life such that of an ant is a sin. In Christianity, we have a similiar proverb to a lesser extent: ” If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. ” If this actually worked practically, I would be all for this but the sad truth is,it just doesn’t work in the world we live in. There’s a reason why hippies stage nude peace protests and then get tear - gassed while failing to change anything. Edmund Burke made a good and valid point when he said that ” The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is when good men do nothing. “
Now this leads to another whole clusterfuck of philosophy, counter - philosophy, religious doctrine and everything in between. Cross - reasoning ( take note, very loosely ) : As a Christian ( according to my parents ) or a Buddhist, I am expected to forgive, turn the other cheek etc. , when an aggressor does wrong towards my person. At the same time by following the doctrine of my religion, I am actually allowing evil to take place through my actions, albeit towards myself. And if I bring Machiavelli into play, my course of action should be to retaliate with sanctified force but in the event of doing so, I would be committing evil. Almost every religion I have studied has taught me to help a person, be it someone you know or a stranger, in need.
In a layman’s point of view, what exactly the fuck should I do if I see a regular Joe being assaulted by someone on the street? Where does that leave me?
Should I intervene? ( and be subjected to eternal damnation or be reincarnated into a frog? )
Or should I step in and help and use necessary force if the situation arises? ( and be subjected to eternal damnation or be reincarnated into a cricket? I think being a frog was better huh )
Many a time, I’ve tried hard to find an answer to the big question and failed and finally came to a conclusion. Religion isn’t an ultimatum for man to attempt to follow and fail. None of us were created or evolved to be perfect. Flaws are part of our genetic structure, we’re meant to fail, to lose, to ruin.
But at the same time without that, we wouldn’t be able to overcome and accept and try again and succeed.
In my ( humble ) point of view, religion was meant to help and guide mankind along the eternal path of self improvement not to serve as some sort of life police. We just keep getting better and better and we never stop! No one is absolutely wrong ( unless you enjoy sacrificing infants on an altar carved out of orihalcum to Baphomet in which case I really should inform the authorities on you ) or a hundred percent correct. The state of Nirvana only exists in legend and as an idea, the essence of perfection itself is too abstract for humankind to ever possibly attain.
Just take a moment to sit back and try to see past all the dogma from a logical standpoint and if you do manage to; the way things have been going, the world could sure do with a lot more people like you.
And yeah, that sort of sums up what I thought of on the bus.
Oh, I sort of wet my boxers a little because I held in my pee.
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